Attorneys, Law, Lawyers

The Lighter Side of Jones Brown

There seems to be a belief that Lawyers are incapable of smiling and laughing especially when it comes to themselves and their profession. This is absolutely FALSE, or at least for the Partners and team here at Jones Brown Law it is. We have put together a collection of our favorite jokes, stories, quotes, and jabs that made us giggle. Feel free to submit your SAFE FOR WORK joke or story for us to check out. You never know, you might make it onto our page and perhaps score a decent prize for making our day brighter with a smile.

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Thanks to Donna for this one.

 

“To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.” – Jerry Seinfeld

 

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Client: I’ll give you $500 if you do the worrying for me.

Lawyer: Fine. Now, where is the $500?

Client: That is your first worry.

 

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The Lawyer That Could Not Tell a Lie:

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LAWYER: Did u kill him?

ME: No

LAWYER: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?

ME: Much less than murder

 

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Why are deceased lawyers buried 12 feet under, when everyone else gets buried only 6 feet under?

Because down deep lawyers are really good people.

 

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A thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and when they get to heaven they are stopped by an angel who says, “Sorry, heaven is getting crowded so you need to answer a question correctly before you can get in.”

He looks at the teacher and asks, “What was the name of the famous ocean liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?”

“That’s easy, “ she says. “The Titanic.” Having answered the question correctly, the angel lets her into heaven.

The angel turns to the thief and asks, “How many people died on that ship?”

“That’s a tough one.” the thief answers. “But I saw the movie and it was 1,517.” The angel then moves aside to let the thief into heaven.

Finally, the angel turns to face the lawyer and says, “Name them.”

 

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“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

– Stephen Wright

 

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How was copper wire invented?

Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

 

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Scene: A courtroom where a person is on trial for murder.

There is strong evidence indicating guilt, however, there is no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

‘Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,’ the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. ‘Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom,’ he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally, the lawyer says: ‘Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.’

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

‘But how?’ inquires the lawyer. ‘You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.’

Answers the representative: ‘Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.’

 

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“The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.”

Will Rogers

 

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You Need a New Lawyer When…

  1. During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway.
  2. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser”.
  3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
  4. He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose”.
  5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
  6. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger”.
  7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
  8. Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.
  9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
  10. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
  11. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said…”
  12. Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
  13. The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25 P.M.”
  14. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever”.
  15. He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs”.

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“He who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client.”

Proverb

 

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Submit your favorite Safe For Work Lawyer jab to bwilliams@jonesbrownlaw.com

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